Sunday, April 8, 2012
Yearning for the Day
Went to SAJC 150th Anniversary today! Was pretty excited in the first place.. Then I reached there and only saw 2 of my friends. So we just hang around, looking at games and people. It's very crowded and the pathways are crammed up. As we were walking, Zhi Hao's friend suddenly appeared from the back. That's also when LiWei showed up. It's been more than one year since i last saw her. So I felt kind of glad to see her again. Although I don't feel for her that much already, but deep down I still hope for a chance to know her more.. Ninja mode always switches on when she nearby to avoid embarrassment because she knows. Just hope that she continue to be fine and do well in endeavoring her dreams and goals. I'm used to it anyway, the feeling of so near yet so far..
After which, I found the rest of my classmates and I walked with them to check out what's there in the carnival. Honestly, it wasn't that interesting. I was quite disappointed of what the stalls are selling as well as the games that are available. For example there's like 3 Haunted Houses in the carnival. Isn't such duplication redundant? Satays were also sold at 5 for $4 and 1 Can drink for $2. Everything is just over-priced.. well at least it's for charity. So i'm not going to dig too much into this issue.
After walking a few rounds around the place, we quickly got bored and we left for Melvin's house to play Mahjong. It was pretty fun even though I lost a bit. Played till about 6.30 and we left for dinner. We initially wanted to dine at Cafe Cartel at Bishan Junction 8. But when we reached there, we couldn't find the restaurant, not even in the directory. Then we realised that it was closed down and replace by a Japanese restaurtant. So we ended up dining at Yoshinoya which food wasn't that filling for me. After dinner, we went separate ways. Me and GG went to NTUC at Nex to buy some stuff for camp. After that, I went home and he went to Serangoon Gardens to play Lan.
These 2 days were quite an enjoyable period for me. Usually I wouldn't have any outings or activities to attend. So I'll would just play computer at home. However, these 2 days there's Course Cohesion and SAJC Anniversay, I get to go out for 2 whole days. Even though I spent quite a lot of money, it was worth it.
Ever since the carnival, I'm constantly thinking of Liwei.. Really really glad to see her. I hoped I can see her more often and this little hope of being with her that still exist after so long, hopefully will become a fact one day.
Labels: BF, Life
Innocence
1:00 AM
Monday, December 26, 2011
Privacy
I just don't know why... I'm so fucking pissed right now right after I woke up... Just feel as though I don't get any privacy and no available places for solitude at home and of course not in camp. It's fucking irritating and it's making me so angry that I would really chop anyone would talks to me now. At home I don't get any get privacy because our house is fucking small and we because of that we have to share rooms. Not only that, you can see and hear what is happening in other rooms directly from your room. Worst of all, my pc is in the fucking living room because again there's no space.. So it's fucking no privacy at all for me.. Even as i'm writing these, My sibling or parents are walking in and out of the damn living room and I have to Alt Tab one billion times. This sucks to the max to live in a small house.. I gonna save damn lot of money and move out asap.. can't stand a life where I get no privacy at all. No doubt it maybe the place that brought me up, but that was the past we were all small. Now we are all grown ups, we need more privacy and space and it's fucking irritating to cramp 6 people in 3 rooms and and 1 small living room. This is not The Sims which you get so tidy house and you clean up trash so easily around you. In my reality, there's fucking clothes and rubbish everywhere and there's barely space to walk. I'm so sick of this shit anymore. I wanna move up when I save up enough and we can catch up with one another any other day
Innocence
9:25 AM
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Embarking On A New Journey
I'm going to enlist to army on Feb 10!! There's less than one month left. I've been training at a moderate pace to prevent my muscles from wearing out too much and feeling fatigue. This is to allow me to train consistently everyday until a few days before I enlist. Now my training plan is to run every alternate days and do non aerobic exercises like weight training every other days. Recently I just increased my running distance to 8km. It's extremely tiring and I have to keep eating to replenish the fats and carbohydrates burned. I hope I eat enough to obtain sufficient amount of nutrients for usage. Otherwise, my muscles will be burned instead!! Sigh.. not easy to train. However training only takes up a few hours a day. This leaves me idle for the rest of the day, causing me to waste so many hours each day. Yesterday I got my army watch and phone and also went to order a plastic spectacles for army usage. Spent about $220 in total =.= I can't believe I'm spending that much money for army. It's like paying to become a slave. Hope I get used to my training soon and also to survive it. More importantly, I hope it is effective. If not I would have a tough time in army. Well, can only hope for the best now.
I've been spending some time finding information of whatever courses available and I found a course which interest me a lot. It's BBA (Accountancy). When I check the cut off point for last year, the 10th percentile was like AAA/A!! I was like OMG. I'm now worried that I may not get into this course. Most students must have scored straight As.. I'll try find my second choice soon. One more thing. I wonder what grades that one should look at if they want to apply for scholarships. I'll take my time to find answers to these questions since there's plenty lol.
Lol I'm going to become gay for the next two years. It's like going back to all boys school haha. Luckily I'm quite used to it already. If not I will have a hard time trying to adapt. I'm trying to find a new goal to work towards to. Some people are aiming to go OCS during NS. However, I wonder do they know that each year only 1600 people got selected to go OCS? Moreover, they are not planning to sign on SAF. I don't see why would SAF wants to waste 38 weeks training officers which will only carry out their duty for less than a year. Although some may still get selected, but I don't think the chances are high. Well I got to find out what can I do during my period of service too.
Trying to find time to hang out with my friends nowadays. Everyone will part ways one day and we will all embark on a new journey. We will find new friends, new goals or even new homes. Some will still keep in contact with others while some will disappear as though you never knew them. Then again, finding up that they enjoy their new lives is enough to make me happy. I went to facebook to check up the activities of my secondary school friends. They seemed to be enjoying themselves and as a friend and I feel happy for them too even though we may not have contact each other for so long. Hopefully I'll find my joy too. That's all for now!!
~Alvin
Innocence
10:49 AM
Friday, December 17, 2010
Now that A's is over, there isn't much things to do left. I'll exercise once in a while, watch some anime and spend the rest of my time sleeping. Life is boring now. I'm going for a job interview later and hopefully I can get the job to help me kill time. I have been sleeping like 8 to 11 hours a day including naps. This just proves how free I am. If not I'll be spending time playing chess with the computer to get myself frustrated because I keep losing to the computer. I don't mind going for an outing but most of my classmates are scholars and they are back in their hometown. Furthermore, some of my classmates just stays at home everyday or hang out with other friends. Luckily I still have some close secondary school friends to hang out with. Otherwise, I would have died from the lack of social interaction.
Being bored is one thing. What's worse is that I don't get to see LiWei anymore and its tearing me apart on the inside. Felt like I lost her even though she wasn't mine to begin with. She was my hope and source of strength. Now that she isn't here anymore, I felt like I lost my hopes,goals and whatever strength to pursue my aims. I can't help thinking of her everyday. I've tried so many times to forget her but I just couldn't do it. I hope that I can get the chance to be her friend at least. If I get the chance, I will definitely seize it without fail. Sometimes chances are created. Up till now I still have no idea how to do that, but I'll try to think of something before I get enlisted. Before that, I need to stop myself from being so depressed about it everyday. Need to stay strong!!
Speaking of enlistment, my last medical check-up was on Dec 2!! That means my enlistment date is going to be very late!! Crap! All the medical check ups wasted so much of my time and now it is going to waste even more time. Just how much time have I lost? and how much more am I going to lose? It has its pros and cons just that I can't weigh which is more... Hope I receive my PES status and enlistment date soon.
Just applied for PSC scholarship recently. After reading some articles of "Flawed" PSC scholars and why people reject their PSC scholarships in the end, it makes me feel kind of guilty. Like what the articles wrote, many of the applicants like me, are only attracted by the monetary benefits, education opportunities and good career prospects that PSC scholarships have to offer. We are blinded from the responsibility and expectations of receiving the scholarship. Although its not like I will receive the scholarship definitely, but I think that I should get my intention right before I apply. Until now I'm still considering to cancel my application. Do I really want to serve in the public sector or do I just want an education opportunity and a good, stable income. Furthermore, I think that people like me who lack confidence will unlikely be shortlisted for the scholarship. So applying for it would be a waste of time. Deep down my heart, I just want the education opportunity it has to offer but I don't want to end up having a job that I would not like as the jobs are posted based on the need of the public sector. At the same time, I'm also afraid of the responsibility and expectations that are attached to the scholarship. Maybe I'm just not suited for this.
Too lazy to write anymore. That's all for now! Hope things will change for the better.
Labels: BF, Life
Innocence
11:58 AM
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Final Journey
Tomorrow is my last official college day. Its sad to leave everything behind. Especially the wonderful times I had spent with my friends, whether are they from rock climbing or my classmates, the time we have spent together is irreplaceable. I will miss my friends, my cca, my tutors and my school grounds. Even though the buildings are dead, they remind me of each and every single experience that has occurred at each places. From the torturous but fun trainings at the track, rock wall and fitness corner, to the wonderful times I have spent chatting and having lunch with my friends in the cafe and to the fun and joyous lessons in the classrooms. I really don't want them to leave. There are so many things that I don't want to part ways with. Although I don't want to part ways with Best friend but I promised to stay focus and try to forget about her so I will remain strong at heart to fulfill this promise. Although there are hard, sad and stressful times, but they have helped me to gain more experience, knowledge and skills. This has helped me to develop abilities that is necessary for survival in the society, even though I don't really have experience of how the society functions yet. It is heart rending for me to have to say goodbye to all these fun and memorable times. Back to reality, it is natural to part ways with things and people. One day, we will all have to part ways with our family, friends and the things we possessed. I hope that I'll learn to treasure people and things more. At the same time, I hope my heart will become stronger so that I'll be able to accept this unavoidable fact. However, the more you treasure them, the more painful it is when you leave them. That's what I am afraid of. I'm really afraid and sad when it comes to parting ways. As a man, I must be strong physically and also mentally. Therefore, I'll learn to accept this natural occurrences as soon as possible.
Ok now about studies. I did pretty well for prelims which is making me worried right now. People may think that I'm mad but I'm worried because I get complacent easily!! I'm trying my best to study as much as possible but I realized that I'm studying at a much slower and relaxing pace. When I mean relaxing, I really mean relaxing. I can take about a few hours just to complete one paper which is supposing to have a time limit that is less than half the time I spent. This is extremely fearful. If this low productivity keeps up, I'll end up doing badly for 'A"s. Furthermore, for the past few days, I find it relatively harder to maintain my ultimate concentration(I'll ignore all movements and anything that is happening around me). This ability is something I do not wish to lose even though it has its bad points such as ignoring my friends. However, I strongly believe that being focused is important and is necessary to be successful in doing a task. There is one thing that is hindering me from effective studying. That is drowsiness!! This occur sometimes and it never fails to happen right after lunch. My mind will just blank out and I'll just stare at my work with my eyes half opened. Not only am I not absorbing anything, I'm also wasting my time! This cause me to incur a high opportunity cost! Sigh, next time I'll take a half an hour to an hour nap after lunch. Otherwise, precious time would be wasted again. One last thing about studying is that I need to balance my studying across all subjects and more on GP and Econs. These 2 subjects are my weaker subjects and I really hope I won't spend too much time studying the other 3 subjects at the same time I must be able to retain my knowledge and skills for those 3. It will be hard to manage all 5 at the same time especially when I always tend to spend too much time revising a single subject. Hopefully all will go well.
As for other stuffs, recently the weather is disgustingly hot. Especially at home where they are multiple appliances and electronics switched on. The amount heat generated makes me feel like I'm living in a microwave oven. Its even cooler to stand outside my house then to stay inside. I think my area is particularly hot because when I travel to other places, it is much more windy as compared to my neighborhood. Furthermore, for the past few months, my grind have been sweating a lot at night. It is only at night!! I have no idea why, but it just keeps sweating and sweating for no reason which makes it hard for me to sleep. No matter how many times I shower to cool my body, it just continues to sweat. I think its some kind of illness. Seriously, I need to move to the poles or invent some kind of portable freezer that can fit my entire body in it.
As or best friend, recently I get to see her more often which I'm quite happy about. However I still get pretty stressed and nervous when she is around especially when she knows that I like her. If only Adib have not told his friend, life would have been much simpler.
Well I won't be able to see her very often after tomorrow which makes me kind of sad. Sigh, whatever happens, life still goes on. So at the moment I can only take one step and count one step. Thats all for now!
~Alvin
Labels: BF, Life, Work
Innocence
9:13 PM
Friday, October 1, 2010
A Cycle Repeats
Prelims has ended not long ago and everyone has been collecting their results for the past one week. It causes quite a lot of stress when we don't know what grades are we getting. I understand the worries people will have when they are uncertain about their performance. Sometimes my worries came true and sometimes it doesn't. Although most of the time I ended up screwing up certain subjects. Some people may think I have too high expectations because I'm always aiming for As and sees other grades as being screwed up. However,they always fail to realize how much things have I neglected in order to obtain the grades that I want. Well I need to be more positive looking. Even if I obtain the grade I was initially planning for, I would feel pretty sad if I didn't fair as well as the rest. It's like I'm increasing my expectations when my initial target was lower. Well, I have one last part of my results left to collect, Econs essays. Hope, i can pass the essays at least. I really really hope i can pass the essays. Shall not keep my expectations too high so that I'll not be too disappointed.
Sometimes I feel desperate and it's probably because of more stress. However, I'll always try to forget about BF or anything else and just immense myself in work. I ended up becoming a robot as a result. So even though I may feel desperate for a girl, I'll try not to think about it too much and let fate does its job. I promise that I'll try not to think of BF anymore and just live life as usual.
Sigh, life kinda sucks when all the things i does is just studying. Well it has been like this all along. There are ups and downs in life and we must pull through the difficult times. We must learn from our past mistakes and emulate our past successes. Though it can be exhausting and draining, we must always try our best. We may become sad when we don't get the things we want, but then life still goes on. It is not easy to cope with these problems and sometimes it may take a long time for us to get over it. However, I think this is part of the growing up process which makes us stronger physically and mentally. Lol although I may understand all these stuffs, but whether can I put them into practice is the real challenge.
Sometimes, I think I maybe drawing some attention (not trying to boast or something) and this makes me feel compelled to behave less actively and more quietly. It's like I can't be myself. It's probably I don't want to show any flaws to people I'm not close to. Although, I may feel quite happy about it, but on the other hand, I don't feel free and easy. Hope, I can get over this and just be who I want to be.
Well, everyone is starting their revision and I think BF is doing that too. Lol speaking about BF, I think I'm losing my peripheral vision because I don't spot her as easily now. In the past even when I'm not looking directly at other places, Ill notice her when she walks pass. Nowadays, my radar is not performing as well compared to the past. Kind of tiring to keep studying. I need to have a break soon so as to maintain a good mental health. Many people tends to neglect their mental health as they thought by revising more they would do better. However, this leads to more stress and it tends to be counterproductive. On the other hand, some people may end up resting too much and hence they didn't really revised anything. Knowing this, I'll try to keep myself happy all the time as I become stressed up easily lol. Time really flies, 2 years is almost over. How sad it is, I will miss school life. It will be a lot on discipline once I enters army. Lol this is something I should worry later otherwise my brain would be overloaded.
Love to blog after every few weeks because there is so much to reflect on. Although my life story may not be as interesting as others, but I think it definitely shows how much have I changed or grown. For now I'll try my best to be stress free because I work best without stress while some people may need a little stress to push themselves. Ok! thats all for now! This time round, it will be studying for As!!!
Labels: BF, Life, Work
Innocence
9:26 PM
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Evolution
It seems like I have almost gotten over best friend. Though I'll still think of her sometimes but the frequency has decreased. Probably it's due to prelims. I don't know if its for good or for bad, but I'll felt like I'm freed, no longer being chained to her. Maybe, it's because I'm starting to give up. She seemed too distant to me. Even if we are physically near each other, but our hearts are separated. Maybe, that's fate. Like I once said, not knowing is greatest obstacle. It's not her fault either, I can only blame myself for not making use of any chances bestowed upon me. She came to my class so many times despite knowing that I like her and I didn't even tried to stay close or even tried to avoid her. Anyway, I wish I can get over it soon.
Prelims are around the corner and everyone has being studying very hard. However, there are some of them who are studying so hard that I find it really really disgusting. As though they may burn out anytime. Well, I'll try my best not to compare. I will not burn myself out. There are a few things that I have learnt. You must enjoy doing the things you are doing so that you can perform well. No point being stressed and upset because it doesn't help you at all. One more thing. Its not about the quantity but the quality. This is what I have been telling myself for the past few months to console myself. Seems like it's having a little more effect. Sometimes I want to score well to impress people. Thinking back, i feel that it's stupid. I should be doing well for my own sake and not for others.
Today has been a great day. It was rather productive even though i started studying quite late. Tomorrow I going to do the same thing again. I'm going to study alone again because I'm not disturbed, not as distracted and I'm free to think of anything I want at anytime. Sounds cool right? Solitude is just too good. Well, I'm going to sleep! That's all for the moment!
Labels: BF, Work
Innocence
10:34 PM
